☮,♥,& Blogging
Monday, September 21, 2009
Finding my way back...
A year ago I was in the middle of breast cancer treatment wondering if I would even see this year. Well I am seeing it, and I made it through treatment and I am now cancer FREE. However I lost part of me a long the way. I keep trying and trying to figure out how to get ME back, but nothing seems to be working. Maybe that is God's way of telling me it's time to put the old me behind and become the new me. I don't know. I think I seem sad a lot. I know I feel sad a lot. I am always going to worry if the cancer is going to come back, is it going to sneak up on me now that I have healed? I am scared to death to get mammograms done, do my routine self exam. I don't want to do them I'm afraid I will find something, then what? Do it all over again? I can't, I don't want too. I thought by now I would be ready to talk about my cancer freely. I no way could help another person going through cancer treatment right now, I have nothing good to say about it. Everybody used to tell me how much fun I am, I'm not anymore, I don't even go out much, maybe only to the grocery store and doctors appointments. If you knew me before all this, you would see what I mean, but I just can't get that Ellie back. So I bury myself in my blog and reviews and giveaways, and hide away from the world. Thank God for Gary and my kids, they keep me going. My son Jack makes me laugh daily. Gary loves me every minute of every day and it's a great feeling to be that loved, but that doesn't even bring the old me back. I guess I just need to except the fact that the old me may never return, and I just have to work on making the new me better and better everyday.......
☮,♥,& Blogging
☮,♥,& Blogging
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4 comments:
My mom went thru something like you're going thru at about the one year mark. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her:
You'll never be the old you, because you're now a person who's performed a miracle: you've beaten cancer.
You did it - your choices, your determination and your strength beat cancer. Beat it down. Beat it gone.
Much of what made the old you "you" will come back, but it's not instant mashed potatoes, nor will it happen all at once.
But it'll come. One day you'll realize you're doing the things you set aside to deal with the cancer, which, by the way, you beat gone!
It took my mom a few years, but she's doing all the things she loved before, but stronger now because she beat cancer.
And listen...not everyone wants to talk about it. My mom adored the cancer survivor who helped her during her recovery, but my mom still can't do that. She doesn't even like to talk about it, but we remember and honor her beating cancer when we remind each other to be strong.
You are strong. Be strong!
My heart hurts for you. I've never gone thru this with anybody, so I don't know exactly what to say. But I feel for you.
Sending you good thoughts and prayers, Heather
Your words moved me. I lost a friend to cancer this year and it's on my mind more since then of course. I don't have any great wisdom to offer or anything. I do think the work you're doing is the path back to normalcy and although I'm new to your blog and your story, I am pulling for you.
I think this new Ellie is strong and courageous and a person that anyone would admire. You go, girl!
bonggamom
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